


whatever a moon has always meant

by frapucinno



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Linear Narrative, guard jihoon, it's a space royalty au basically, prince soonyoung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-24 20:56:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19731637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frapucinno/pseuds/frapucinno
Summary: With Soonyoung, it’s always like this: the feeling of air inside broken lungs, a warmth in his chest that rivals the sun, trembling fingers as they pry open his rib cage to reach for his heart. Soonyoung is both the knife and the bandage, both love and loss; Jihoon was always Soonyoung’s to break.





	whatever a moon has always meant

**Author's Note:**

> hello i am BACK babey.
> 
> (title taken from 'i carry your heart with me' by e.e. cummings.)

Something explodes in the distance, ringing and deafening like the crash of a fallen star. Soonyoung runs, even though the soles of his feet feel like they’re about to bleed and his knees feel like they’re about to give out. Seungcheol’s beside him sporting a nasty cut just underneath his right eye, the blood dripping down his chin in crimson droplets. His grip on Soonyoung’s arm is tight as he pulls Soonyoung along, making sure he doesn’t get left behind, shooting his blaster blindly behind them.

Another explosion. Soonyoung flinches, turns to Seungcheol to ask, “Where’s Jihoon?”

Seungcheol looks back at him. He doesn’t answer.

////

The night before Seungcheol arrives, Jihoon dreams of Handeukka: endless pink plains stretching out as far as the eye could see, wrapping around the planet like a silk ribbon. He dreams of a soft hand in his, fingers intertwined as they trudge over the uneven rocky ground. They enter one of the many crystal caves; it’s chilly inside, but the warmth from the closeness of their bodies is no match for it.

The stalagmites and stalactites glimmer and glisten, catching light from the holes in the ceiling of the cave. Unlike on the outside, everything inside the cave is awashed with a pale shade of blue. Jihoon looks into a particularly large chunk of crystal and sees his own face in its reflection: pale skin, moppy black hair, tired eyes.

“I look like a mess,” he says, running a hand through his hair.

The person beside him laughs. All too familiar––he’s heard it in real life, echoing throughout the palace corridors, loud and unrestrained in the living quarters. Jihoon knows who it is but he’s too much of a coward to acknowledge it. He _shouldn’t_ acknowledge it.

“You don’t,” the person says. “You never do.”

////

“Thank you for having us, Your Majesty.”

From where he’s standing behind the row of chairs where the Council sits, Jihoon could clearly make out an all too familiar face amongst the small crowd of people, uncharacteristically straight and stern. Seungcheol bows, following his General, holding his position until the King waves his hand to dismiss them.

“It is my pleasure,” says the King. He rises out of his throne, patting away the creases on his gray trousers. “I’m sure the journey here has tired you out. You’ll be shown to the living quarters. We can talk about whatever it is that is needed to be talked about after you and your men have gotten some rest.”

The General bows again in thanks and waits for the King to leave before she motions for her crew to move along. Jihoon watches silently as the group starts to follow the guard that had been assigned to lead them to their rooms, but Seungcheol lingers behind and starts to walk towards Jihoon instead of joining them.

He’s taller than Jihoon remembers, and broader now that Jihoon’s gotten a closer look at him, but he still looks like the same man Jihoon’s come to know, with the same kind eyes and wide grin.

“Jihoon,” he greets, dimples gracing his cheeks. “It’s been a while.”

The room is almost empty, save for a few guards still standing by, so Jihoon puts down the facade and cracks a smile. “It’s good to see you, Seungcheol. Or should I say, Lieutenant Choi?”

Seungcheol barks out a laugh and punches Jihoon in the arm, earning him a dirty glare from the other guards on duty. “You are not allowed to call me that ever again.”

“Why not? It’s true, isn’t it?” Jihoon says. “Congratulations on the promotion, by the way.”

“Thank you,” Seungcheol bows dramatically. Jihoon could tell from the way his face brightens up that he’s proud of his new title, and rightfully so. “How about you? Still just ol’ palace guard Jihoon?”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Oh, come on, you’ve been here longer than anyone else,” Seungcheol says, “and you’re still trying to convince me that you’re not even remotely interested in moving up the ranks?”

Jihoon shakes his head. It’s a conversation they’ve had many times before––Seungcheol always brings it up whenever he comes visits, but Jihoon’s answer still remains the same.

“You’re either the most humble or the most stupid person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

“I’m definitely the former. The latter is Soonyoung.”

Seungcheol laughs again, the sound bouncing off the walls of the throne room. The guards glare at him again but he doesn’t notice, or if he did he pays them no mind. “Don’t speak ill of the Prince, especially when you’re on palace grounds.”

“I have the authority. I’m the only person allowed to.”

“Abusing your power, I see,” Seungcheol laughs again. “Speaking of Soonyoung, where is he?”

“He’s out on duty,” Jihoon answers.

Seungcheol hums. “Is it something so important that he couldn’t even find some time to welcome me?” he asks jokingly.

Soonyoung was just doing his monthly rounds actually, not exactly the most important of duties but it’s one of the rare times that Soonyoung actually gets to get out and _do_ _something_ so it’s one of his favourite activities; but Jihoon’s not allowed to divulge any information regarding that, so he just shrugs and replies, “You could say that.”

Soonyoung would travel to various parts of the planet to sit down with the people, to play with their children––a routine that was made in order to trick them into believing Soonyoung was just like them. Civilian. Ordinary. Human. Someone who doesn’t bear the weight of the crown on his head.

They say that everybody was born out of the same explosion, made out of the same stardust. This isn’t true, and Kwon Soonyoung is living proof. Jihoon knows this better than anyone else.

////

The harsh sunlight makes Soonyoung’s silver hair look almost white. He’s sitting down on the steps of the gazebo, a handful of children gathered around him as he animatedly tells a story. Jihoon smiles slightly at the sight, heart feeling as if it’s swelling twice its size (and he absolutely hates it––hates the feeling of wanting to touch something he knows he can’t ever reach).

Soonyoung’s eyes catches his. He smiles back.

“I’m sorry, kids,” Jihoon announces when he approaches the gazebo in the most friendly voice he could muster as to not startle or scare them away. The white, blue and gold of the palace uniforms could intimidate even adults and he doesn’t want any of these kids to start crying because he knows he won’t be able to console them. He’s the worst with kids. “I’m afraid the Prince has to go.”

“Aw, why?” whines one child, pouting as she clings onto Soonyoung’s arm. “The story was just getting good!”

“He can’t just leave it hanging like that!” whines another.

“The Prince has some very important things he needs to attend to,” Jihoon replies. The girl pokes her tongue out at him. Soonyoung laughs.

“I’ll continue the story next time we meet, alright? I promise,” Soonyoung stands up, wiping his hands on his pants. “Besides, it’s getting late. You all should go home too, okay?”

The children listen, albeit a bit begrudgingly, and Jihoon’s once again surprised at how good Soonyoung is with kids. Actually, he’s good with people in general; he always manages to somehow wrap them around his finger. He can bend even the strongest of metal, melt even the coldest of hearts.

Once the children have left, Soonyoung turns to Jihoon, sighing, “What is it now?”

Jihoon shrugs. “Nothing. It’s just getting late.”

“Hm,” Soonyoung regards him, raises a sly eyebrow. “So you miss me?”

“N-no!” Jihoon sputters, trying to will himself to not blush. “You know your father doesn’t like it when you’re still outside past seven. I’m here to pick you up. Escort you back home.”

Soonyoung smirks. “You _do_ miss me. We’ve only been apart for less than a day.”

“No, you have a _curfew_.”

Soonyoung hums and starts walking towards the direction of the palace, nudging Jihoon with his elbow when he walks past him. “Whatever makes you sleep at night.”

////

Jihoon’s known Soonyoung for most of his life. He knows Soonyoung’s quirks and habits, his favourite scent, his favourite route whenever he walks along the palace gardens (first towards the roses, then the fountain, then the orchids before taking a rest underneath the grand oak tree).

He knows that Soonyoung is the crown prince. He knows he’s just a guard.

He also knows that he shouldn’t fall in love with Soonyoung; but he does regardless.

////

“Do you know that Seungcheol’s here?” Jihoon asks Soonyoung once they’re in the doorway leading to Soonyoung’s quarters. He sweeps a glance inside the room (safety protocol, ingrained within his bones) before stepping aside to allow Soonyoung to enter first (it’s always that––when it comes to Soonyoung he’ll always be the first). The hinges squeak when Jihoon closes the door shut; he makes a mental note to ask someone to oil it later.

Surprise flashes across Soonyoung’s face. “Really? Seungcheol? I haven’t seen him in ages.” He toes off his boots and kicks them aside. They lie haphazardly in the middle of the room, shiny black leather against furry blue carpet. “He didn’t tell me he would be visiting. Do you know why he’s here?”

Jihoon shrugs. “He came with his General.”

Soonyoung takes off his coat, draping it on the back of a chair. He hums. “Must be something political then. I know Jeonghan’s coming in a few days too.”

Jihoon tilts his head. He hasn’t heard any news about Jeonghan’s visiting. It wasn’t weird, per say, that guests would drop by their planet without telling them in advance, but Jeonghan is one of their closest friends so it would make sense that he would inform Jihoon first, especially since Jihoon is Soonyoung’s personal guard.

Soonyoung seemed to have read the thoughts in Jihoon’s head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure he didn’t tell you because it slipped his mind. He’s a busy man.”

////

Back when the King was less strict about Soonyoung’s prince training and duties, Jihoon and him used to sword fight.

Soonyoung had lessons, of course, thought by the best sword fighter in the planet. Basic training just enough for him to know how to hold and swing and dodge, not enough to utilize those skills in an actual fight. It wasn’t actually necessary for him to learn. The King would rather him take up more lessons about their planet’s diplomacy and politics and government––things that would actually be useful to Soonyoung once he takes his place on the throne as King––but Soonyoung had begged and begged and begged, so the King let him, and in exchange Soonyoung had to go to all of their weekly Council meetings for the entire month.

Soonyoung had never liked sitting down to study or discuss politics. He has always been a direct action type of person, believes that nothing would change if they never do anything about it. Soonyoung is free spirited, full of energy, and being a prince does not allow this. Being a prince means sitting properly, hours of lessons, overseeing royal duties and meetings. It means being sheltered, protected by walls and guards and protocols; an untouchable being.

Being a prince means he has to become something he’s not.

So whenever Soonyoung wields his sword, he turns into someone different. Jihoon had taught him everything that his teacher wouldn’t––Soonyoung picks up things quickly, and even though Jihoon had done this way longer than he has, Soonyoung still gives him a run for his money. Whenever Soonyoung wields his sword, he’s no longer the Prince, no longer someone living a pampered and sheltered life inside the palace. He’s bold and bright and beautiful, an explosion of stars; the weapon moves as if it’s an extension of himself, and that’s when he turns from something that’s beyond reach into something attainable. Something human.

In battle, no one cares if you’re a commoner or a knight or a royal. If you don’t fight to protect yourself, you get hurt. Jihoon could seriously injure Soonyoung, but Soonyoung defends so well that it’s near impossible to do so. And maybe that’s why Soonyoung loves sword fighting so much. It reminds him that he’s a person like everybody else.

“There’s a whole galaxy out there I’ve yet to discover,” Soonyoung says one day after one of their sword fights, breathing heavily as he’s collapsed on the sparring mat. It has not been cleaned in weeks. It is unfit for a prince to lie on, but in that moment, Soonyoung is not a prince. No crown, no grand clothing. Just a twenty-year-old with bruised knees and sweaty hair. “Why am I stuck in this damn place when I could be doing so much more?”

Jihoon does not know what comes over him in that moment. Maybe it’s the glint in Soonyoung’s eyes, the longing stare out the windows. Or maybe it’s just because he knows there is nothing he wouldn’t do for Soonyoung. So Jihoon says, even though it’s something he knows is insurmountable, “Then we’ll go discover it together one day. I’ll follow you wherever you go.”

Soonyoung smiles, smiles, smiles.

////

If you were to ask Jihoon about his life, the story starts like this: He was orphaned at the age of nine and was picked off of the streets at ten. At eleven, he started working in the palace gardens; at twelve he was in the kitchens, and that was the first time he saw Soonyoung. He was loud, energetic, excited to have someone in the palace grounds that was the same age as him.

At twelve and a half, Soonyoung dubbed Jihoon his best friend, and they have been inseparable ever since. At age fourteen, Jihoon starts knight training. He officially became one three days after he turned seventeen.

At twenty-one was when he realised he had fallen in love with Soonyoung, and at twenty-one was also when he decided that he’ll carry that secret to the grave.

The story ends like––well, the story hasn’t ended yet, and Jihoon doesn’t know when it will, but he hopes the ending will be a good one.

////

Soonyoung finally meets Seungcheol a day later out in the palace gardens.

“Seungcheol!” he calls out. “Is that you?”

Seungcheol’s head whips around, his lips breaking into a smile when he spots Soonyoung. He practically barrells over towards them, enveloping Soonyoung in a tight hug. Behind him, a woman follows, her long black hair tied into a high ponytail. She wears the lavender and grey of Seungcheol’s home planet, her strides long and confident. Jihoon recognizes her as General Jiyoung––he trained with her once, many moons ago.

“Prince Soonyoung,” she bows, addressing Soonyoung politely. She nods curtly when her eyes meets Jihoon’s, and Jihoon nods back. “It’s an honor.”

Soonyoung waves her off. “Please. None of that around here. My father isn’t watching. Just call me Soonyoung.”

Seungcheol pats him on the shoulder. “Still the same, huh? When will you finally realize that you’re not the same as everybody else?”

Jihoon inwardly grimaces. Seungcheol has always been unafraid to speak the truth, to be blunt––maybe sometimes _too_ blunt. It’s a sensitive topic, but Seungcheol doesn’t know that.

Soonyoung just smiles. He ignores the statement, instead asking, “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“I didn’t know we were until the day before,” Seungcheol replies, shrugging.

“Our deepest apologies for the short notice,” Jiyoung says. “It was sudden as well on our part. Our King wanted to be here for the meeting, but he has unfortunately fallen ill and is unable to make it, so he sent me on behalf of him and our planet.”

Soonyoung tilts his head curiously to the side. “Meeting? What meeting?”

“The Council meeting this week,” answers Seungcheol. “It’s about the Accords.”

////

“Remember when we were sixteen and I wasn’t allowed to own a communicator yet, so we stole a couple of those really old transmitters from the weapons room and learned morse code just so we could talk to each other at night?”

Jihoon nods from where he’s standing beside Soonyoung’s bed as he flops on it, sending his pillows flying to the floor. Jihoon picks one up, dusts it off, sets it back right beside Soonyoung’s head. How could Jihoon forget those sunset filled days where they would pour over dusty books, learning a long forgotten language that they’ve reinvented to fit for themselves? A language where they speak to each other in grainy beeps, in knocks against closed doors, in flashlight flashes from the window of Soonyoung’s bedroom to Jihoon’s own in the dead of night. A language that they could call their own.

“And remember when my father took us to Handeukka and we ran off to explore the caves?” Soonyoung chuckles. “He was so pissed.”

“He almost fired me on the spot,” says Jihoon. He smiles at the memory of the pale pink plains, the chilly crystal caves that he and Soonyoung wandered into when the King wasn’t looking, Soonyoung’s hand in his as they trudged deeper and deeper into the caves.

“He wouldn’t dare,” Soonyoung says, and Jihoon has been with Soonyoung long enough to know what he actually means: _I would never let him._

Jihoon ignores the growing beats of his heart. He swallows, asks, “Why are you getting so sentimental all of a sudden?”

Soonyoung shrugs, shifting further to the other side of his bed. “I don’t know.” He pats the empty space and looks expectantly at Jihoon. Jihoon stares at the bed, then back at Soonyoung before he sits down gingerly. “That feels like a lifetime ago.”

“It’s not, though,” Jihoon says. “It was in _this_ lifetime.” And Jihoon hopes Soonyoung has been with him long enough to know what he actually means: _It was in this lifetime, the one I’m lucky enough to be sharing with you._

Soonyoung breathes in. “Did you know how excited I was to go out there even though it was to accompany my father on some boring diplomatic duty? To go to a different planet?” He turns his head to look at Jihoon, his expression unreadable. “It was one of the first times I’ve stepped foot out of Byeolwa, and I had thought to myself, _‘If all it takes to travel the planets is to read more books about politics, then I wouldn’t really mind at all’_.”

Jihoon raises an eyebrow. “Our prince has certainly changed, hasn’t he?”

Soonyoung moves quickly––one second he has his hand around Jihoon’s forearm, the next second he’s pulled him onto the bed, his long legs thrown over Jihoon’s own in order to prevent him from getting up. So Jihoon lies there, next to Soonyoung, who’s looking at him with his meteor shower eyes and starshine heart.

“I have not,” he whispers in a breath. “I never will.”

////

Jeonghan’s ship––a sleek, black thing decorated with the phoenix red logo of his planet––lands in Byeolwa just as the sun rises. In a few hours’ time, the Council meeting will commence. Jihoon waits patiently by the docking bay as a couple of guards pats down Jeonghan to make sure he isn’t carrying anything dangerous and as soon as the security check is done, Jeonghan makes a beeline toward him.

Jeonghan greets him with a smile and a hug. “How are you doing? It’s been too long.”

“I’ve been fine,” Jihoon answers, voice muffled by the hug. It’s only when Jeonghan finally pulls away that he’s able to speak properly. “How was the journey here?”

Jeonghan shrugs, tucking a strand of his blond hair behind his ear. With the backlight coming from the waking sun, it looks as if there’s a halo around his head. “Same old, same old.”

“You must be tired. I’ll show you to your quarters so you can get some rest before the meeting starts,” Jihoon says, gesturing for Jeonghan to follow him. They start catching up with each other along the way; Jihoon tells him of his life around the palace and Jeonghan tells him about his much more interesting escapades across the galaxy.

It’s only when they’ve almost reached the guest quarters does Jihoon say, “Seungcheol’s here too, you know.”

Jeonghan lifts his head to look at him. “Is he, now?” he asks, but his face shows no surprise.

////

Soonyoung fiddles with the collar of his shirt. “I look like shit.”

“Bullshit,” Jihoon says, meeting his eyes through the reflection on the mirror. “You look great.”

Soonyoung turns to him and grimaces. “I look so awkward in royal clothing. I don’t think it suits me.”

“Of course it does,” Jihoon says. “You’re the prince. These were made for you.”

“And I’m so nervous!” Soonyoung cries. “My palms are sweating like crazy.”

“Don’t be,” Jihoon says. He reaches up to fix Soonyoung’s collars, makes sure they’re tidy. “You’ve done this. It’ll be the same as the ones before.”

Soonyoung grabs Jihoon’s hands in his. He looks down at him, eyebrow raised suggestively. “Give me a kiss for good luck?”

Jihoon chokes, wrestles his hands out of Soonyoung’s grips and swats him away. He ignores the burning in his cheeks. “Go! You’re going to be late!”

Soonyoung walks out of his room laughing.

////

The training room is large and spacious, its floors padded with dark gray mats and walls a dull silver. It’s bigger than the training rooms they had back in Byeolwa and could easily fit thirty people, but currently there’s only eleven inside. They stand in two neat rose of fives as General Jiyoung paces back and forth in front of them. She’s intimidating, her mouth set into a straight line as she eyes the group of soldiers like a predator hunting its prey.

“It’s been a gruelling few weeks, hasn’t it?” she asks, her voice echoing off the walls. For the past three weeks, Jihoon had been through rigorous training and a strict sorting system to make it into General Jiyoung’s class. She is the best of the best, the most respected General in this part of the galaxy, and she only takes a maximum of ten trainees in a class. It is said that whoever trained with her could move up the ranks in a matter of months.

“The ten of you have been chosen because you are the most capable soldiers that your planets have to offer,” she says. “Do not let them down.”

“Yes, ma’am!” the class choruses.

“Now, before we begin, there’s something I’d like to ask each and every one of you,” she announces. “Everyone has something they fight for. Whether it be their country, their family, their pets. There is a reason as to why you are standing in front of me right now. A driving force. And I want to know what it is.” She pauses. There’s a palpable tenseness in the air, thick and heavy. “Don’t bother trying to lie. I’ll know if you do and you will be out of here immediately. Don’t let the past few weeks go to waste just because of your pride.”

She stops pacing, stands right in front of Jihoon. “So, Lee Jihoon,” she starts, clasping her hands behind her back, “what do _you_ fight for?”

Jihoon takes a deep breath.

////

Soonyoung doesn’t come back up to his room after the meeting ends.

Jihoon waits, gives him thirty minutes, then an hour, thinks that he might just be caught up in some extra duties. When two hours had passed and there is still no sign of Soonyoung, Jihoon starts to panic. He considers calling for back-up to search the palace grounds, but decides against it as he figures out where Soonyoung might be.

Jihoon heads to the gardens, takes the same path he had taken with Soonyoung a thousand times before: first towards the roses, then the fountain, then the orchids. When he comes across the grand oak tree, he spots Soonyoung sitting on the bench below it.

“There you are!” Jihoon calls out, jogging towards him. “Don’t disappear just like that. You had me panicking.”

“Missed me?” Soonyoung jokes, but there’s no laughter in his voice.

“You wish,” Jihoon replies, and it’s only when he’s closer to Soonyoung does he see the tiredness in his eyes, the furrow of his brows. He no longer looks like the cheerful and playful Soonyoung from earlier this afternoon. Jihoon crouches down, forces Soonyoung to look into his eyes. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

Soonyoung takes a deep breath before he answers, “They wanted me to sign the Accords. I didn’t.” His voice sounds a million light years away.

“Why didn’t you?” Jihoon asks. There’s a rose in Soonyoung’s hands and Jihoon watches him play with it. Its pink petals reminds Jihoon of the plains of Handeukka, of a faraway memory.

“I can’t sign something I don’t agree with, Jihoon,” Soonyoung sighs, setting the rose down. “I know tensions are high right now but I just… I just can’t sign it.”

“It is your duty as a prince to do what’s best for his people, is it not?”

“Even if it goes against _everything_ I stand for?” Soonyoung laughs but it’s dry and empty, and Jihoon winces; thinks he never wants to hear something like that come out of Soonyoung’s mouth ever again. “I’ll be signing us up for _war_ , Jihoon.”

“You don’t know that,” Jihoon says. “You might be wrong.”

“And if I am, and everything goes swimmingly,” Soonyoung starts, voice rising, “how can I live with the knowledge that, no matter how small the chances were, I had put this planet and our people in danger?”

“It’s your duty to take that chance––”

“I don’t _want_ this duty!” Soonyoung exclaims, rising up from the bench. “I _never_ asked to be born into this life! I _never_ asked to be a prince!”

“But you are!” Jihoon stands up too. He feels frustration in the pit of his stomach, blood rushing in his ears. “You are, and no matter how much you wish or pretend you aren’t, you _are!_ I’ll never be the same as you.” Jihoon swallows. “You will never be the same as me.” His voice shakes, and maybe this has become something more than the Accords.

Soonyoung stares at him, and it feels as if light years had passed before he whispers out, “I wish I was.”

“I know. You’ve made it clear that you want to get rid of that blue blood running in your veins. You want to be free of these burdens and responsibilities. You want to travel the galaxies.”

“And do you know why?”

Jihoon freezes. “What?”

“Do you know why? Why I wish on every shooting star to take away this fucking life from me?” Soonyoung asks, a bitterness in his voice that Jihoon has never heard before. When Jihoon doesn’t respond, he points a finger at his chest. “It’s because of _you_ , you absolute asshole.”

Jihoon swallows. “I-I don’t understand…”

“Do you know why I’ve always dreamed of travelling the galaxies? It’s not just because I’m sick of this place,” Soonyoung says. “It’s also because one time, you told me we’d go together.”

Jihoon gives no reaction, just stands there as if he’s been frozen in a block of ice. Soonyoung groans in frustration, runs a hand through his silver hair. He looks as if he’s facing an inner conflict, the hesitation clear as day in his eyes, but in a second it all goes away. He reaches out, pulls Jihoon by the lapels of his coat, and kisses him.

It lasts barely a second, but in those few moments Jihoon feels as if entire galaxies have grown in his veins, stars shooting through the marrow of his bones. It’s magical and resolute and it makes Jihoon’s heart ache.

Once Soonyoung pulls away. He holds Jihoon close, like he’s afraid Jihoon might run away any second. “What I’m trying to say, you dense brick, is that I’m in love with you.”

Jihoon gulps. He feels his fingers shake as he tries to pry Soonyoung’s hands off his coat. “You‘re not.”

“I am.”

“You’re not.” Jihoon feels his himself fall apart, feels their orbit shake. “You can’t.”

“And why is that? Who are you to tell me what to feel?”

“Because,” Jihoon’s voice trembles, no matter how hard he tries to steady it, “you’re a prince. Y-You’re supposed to marry a princess from another planet. You’re supposed to rule with her by your side. I’m just a knight. A guard. You deserve better.”

“I don’t want better,” Soonyoung says. There’s a pleading tone in is voice that absolutely shatters Jihoon. “You’re the best thing that I could ever ask for.”

Jihoon finally frees himself. He steps back, and he sees Soonyoung’s face fall. “I’m not. Trust me.”

“I guess everyone has a fatal flaw. Mine is that I still love you, even sometimes you’re such a dick,” Soonyoung laughs that empty heartbreaking laugh again. Even though Jihoon had told himself he never wanted to hear it again, in the end it was he who caused it. “You can’t make decisions for me, Jihoon. You never once thought about how I feel.”

“I do.”

“You don’t,” Soonyoung says, too quietly. “You never do.”

////

With Soonyoung, it’s always like this: the feeling of air inside broken lungs, a warmth in his chest that rivals the sun, trembling fingers as they pry open his rib cage to reach for his heart. Soonyoung is both the knife and the bandage, both love and loss; Jihoon was always Soonyoung’s to break.

////

Soonyoung comes knocking on Jihoon’s bedroom door two days later at almost two in the morning. He holds his sword in his hands, a sight that Jihoon hasn’t seen in almost a year. “Spar with me,” he says, asks, demands.

They sneak their way to the training room, past sleeping guards and rickety floors. They waste no time––the moment they step inside the room, Soonyoung’s already swinging at Jihoon.

Soonyoung hasn’t wielded a sword in a long time and even though he was a bit out of practice, he’s still up to par with Jihoon. Soonyoung doesn’t hold back; he plays offense, fights as if he’s in battle and not in his shorts and a t-shirt. The room is filled with the clashing of metal against metal, of heavy breaths and feet thumping against the sparring mats. Jihoon’s soaked in sweat as their scores tie up 2-2. It ends only when Soonyoung manages to nick Jihoon’s finger with his blade.

“Ow,” hisses Jihoon, dropping his sword. He studies the small cut; Jihoon’s gotten worse injuries, but the stinging pain still shocked him.

“Fuck, sorry,” Soonyoung says. He heads over to the first-aid kit stored away in a corner of the room and brings back some bandages and a bottle of antiseptic spray with him. He tends to Jihoon’s finger in silence; Jihoon didn’t have the heart to tell him he could do it himself after seeing the seriousness in Soonyoung’s face.

“I deserved it, though,” Jihoon says once the bandage is wrapped around his finger.

Soonyoung looks up through his bangs, a small smile on his lips. “You do.”

“Sorry I was being such a dick,” Jihoon apologizes. He collapses onto the ground with Soonyoung doing the same seconds later. He’s done some thinking the past two days when Soonyoung’s avoided him. He’s been inside his own head too much that he never thought about Soonyoung’s feelings, and maybe that’s why he was too blind to see what Soonyoung has been trying to show him throughout the years. The sunset smiles, the flirty comments, the caring touches in broad daylight where anyone could see them.

Jihoon’s always considered the various scenarios on how he’ll fall out of love. Maybe he’ll find someone else, someone who’s not untouchable. Maybe once Soonyoung is married off and becomes King they won’t be able to spend much time together anymore, which means that Soonyoung will never find out about his feelings.

He never once considered the option that Soonyoung might feel the same towards him too. He never allowed himself to.

“It’s okay. I’ve gotten all my anger out anyway,” Soonyoung says, gesturing to his sword lying a few feet away from them. “I wish I had made a bigger cut, though.”

“Haha, funny,” Jihoon says. “What happens if you cut my finger off? Who would be the one to protect you then?”

“Please, a severed finger won’t faze you,” Soonyoung rolls his eyes, and it’s true. Jihoon would fight to the death to protect Soonyoung, because it’s the only thing he knows what to do. He’d taken an oath to serve and protect and without it he’s nothing.

As if having read his mind, Soonyoung says a beat later, “You’re a person too, you know. Not some robot made to take care of me all the damn time.” He reaches out to hold Jihoon’s hand, and Jihoon lets him.

 _I know. It’s just I would rather be in pain than see you suffer,_ Jihoon wanted to say. But he doesn’t. Instead, he asks, “What are you going to do about the Accords?”

Soonyoung sighs. He sounds tired. “They’ve given me two days to decide whether or not I’ll sign it. If I do, I’ll save our planet and our people, but I don’t know what kind of war I’ve signed us up for. If I don’t… who knows what will happen.”

“Your father and the Council would think––”

“I don’t give a shit about what they think. I only care about what _you_ think,” Soonyoung says, cutting him off. He looks at Jihoon, all piercing eyes and thundering soul. “If I make a choice, whether it’s the wrong one or the right one, will you be with me? Until the end?”

Jihoon swallows. “Yes. I took an oath to––”

“I don’t want to hear about oaths,” Soonyoung reaches out, places a hand over Jihoon’s heart. It beats, beats, beats. “I want to hear it from you.”

Jihoon breathes in, rests his hand over Soonyoung’s. “Of course. Until the very end. Even after that,” he says.

Means; _there is not a bone in my body that will not break for you._

Means; _everything I say is an anagram of your name._

////

It’s during his nightly rounds at the palace that Jihoon spots Seungcheol and Jeonghan hidden in the shadows of one of the west corridors. They’re talking in hushed tones, walking so quietly that Jihoon could barely hear their footsteps.

“Hey!” Jihoon calls out. He sees both of them freeze. “What are you two doing here so late at night?”

“Uh, nothing,” answers Seungcheol.

They’re acting too suspiciously to not be doing anything, so Jihoon approaches them. He only manages to spot the blaster in Seungcheol’s hands and the rope in Jeonghan’s when he’s a few feet in front of them.

“What are you doing?” he asks again, hands instinctively coming to hold on to his own blaster. “You’re my friends, but that doesn’t mean I won’t shoot.”

“Fuck, see, it’s all your fault! You said his room would be here!” Jeonghan whispers to Seungcheol, but it’s loud enough that Jihoon could still hear.

“I said it _might_ be!” Seungcheol argue. “I haven’t been here in ages!”

Jihoon clears his throat. “Will any of you please answer me?”

“Should we blast him?” asks Jeonghan.

“ _Excuse me?!_ ” Jihoon says. He retrieves his blaster out of its holster and points it towards them. “I’ll shoot, don’t try me!”

Seungcheol puts up his hands in surrender. “Wait! Hear us out!”

“What is it? Talk!” Jihoon instructs.

Jeonghan looks around as if he’s paranoid. He turns to Jihoon. “We can’t. Not here. Is there a place we could go to?”

////

“So you two are part of the Rebellion?”

Jeonghan nods from where he’s leaning against the door to Jihoon’s bedroom. Inside, the lights are dim, casting shadows across his face.

Everything starts to click. Seungcheol’s sudden visit, Jeonghan’s coincidental arrival a few days after that only a handful of people know about. “That means you’re not here because your planets are taking part in the Accords. You’re here to stop it from ever happening.”

“Essentially,” Seungcheol says. The two of them spent the last thirty minutes explaining everything to Jihoon, from how they had planned to meet up in Byeolwa to what would happen if the Accords were to be signed. “General Jiyoung is too. And the rest of her soldiers, too. Although most of them aren’t actually from my planet.”

“What even _was_ your plan?” Jihoon asks. “Eliminate everyone during that Council meeting?”

“No, no! We were only there to serve as spies at first. We didn’t think the Accords would come into play so soon,” Seungcheol answers.

“We thought we’ll still have a few weeks until Donides asks Byeolwa to sign. Of course everyone on the Council will, because they don’t know what’s in store for them,” Jeonghan explains. “We also didn’t think they’d ask for Soonyoung’s signature.”

“So what? You were going to _kidnap_ him?!”

“We didn’t have a choice!” exclaims Seungcheol. “Your King wouldn’t listen. Soonyoung is our last chance, and he _cannot_ sign it, no matter what.”

“But if he doesn’t sign the Accords,” Jihoon starts, “we’ll be a sitting target. We won’t have any protection from Donides.”

“If he doesn’t sign it, they’re going to forcefully take your resources from you. Land, military, weapons, _everything_. If he does, they’re going to wait until you hand it to them on a silver platter and then they’re going to destroy you,” Jeonghan says. His voice is apologetic. “There’s no winning this, Jihoon. A war is going to break out either way. Now it’s a matter of siding with the enemy or siding with us.”

Jihoon swallows nervously. This was the last thing he expected to happen tonight, but considering the rising tensions and the current political climate he wasn’t so surprised. He feels a bit guilty for pressuring Soonyoung. He looks up at Seungcheol, then at Jeonghan. “What happens now?”

“We know that Soonyoung’s given two days to decide whether or not he wants to sign. Those two days end, well,” Jeonghan glances at the clock on his communicator, “today. It’s already twelve, which means he’ll be asked again this morning. You have to make sure he doesn’t sign it.”

“We received intel that Donides will be attacking today. Try to scare you all into bowing down to them,” Seungcheol says. “We’ve called for backup already. We have to start evacuating as many people as possible.”

“Okay,” Jihoon takes a deep breath, “I’ll start rounding some people up. Spread the word.”

Jeonghan nods. “Great. I’ll talk to General Jiyoung. I’ll update you later.” He rushes out the door, and just as Seungcheol turns to follow him, Jihoon grabs his hand.

“Seungcheol. I need you to promise me one thing.”

////

Everyone has a fatal flaw. Jihoon’s is that he’s too selfish, thinks only of himself, willing to get hurt to protect the one person he loves with his entire being even if that person would never allow him to.

////

Soonyoung had already gotten dressed the moment Jihoon barges inside his room.

“Oh, hey, I was just about to ask for you,” Soonyoung says the moment he spots Jihoon.

Jihoon reaches him in three quick strides; he takes Soonyoung’s hands in his, feels their warmth against his skin. “Don’t sign the Accords today.”

Confusion flashes across Soonyoung’s face. “What? Why?”

“Just don’t, please,” Jihoon says. “I can’t explain everything to you right now, but I need you to trust me.” _Trust me, even though never in my life have I once deserved it._

Soonyoung nods. Squeezes his hands. “Okay.”

////

The story starts like this: Lee Jihoon was orphaned at the age of nine and was picked off of the streets at ten.

At age seventeen, he took an oath to protect Kwon Soonyoung.

At twenty-one was when he realized he had fallen in love with Soonyoung, and at twenty-two was when he found out Soonyoung loves him back.

The story ends like this: at twenty-two years old, Jihoon knows that Soonyoung is every chapter in between. At twenty-two years old, Lee Jihoon knows that he’ll give his life up for Kwon Soonyoung.

The ending is, he thinks, is perfect as it is.

////

It’s the first time in a while that Jihoon’s been inside the meeting room. The Council sits around a circular table, and from where he’s standing he could clearly see Soonyoung in the middle, his father seated to his left.

“Glad to have you join us, Jihoon,” General Jiyoung addresses him politely. She’s standing right beside him, looks at him with certainty. She’s not just talking about the Council meeting.

Jihoon nods at her. “Glad to be here.”

Soonyoung is handed a pen. As he takes it, Jihoon’s heart beats just a bit faster.

“Tell me, Jihoon,” says General Jiyoung, “are you still fighting for the same reason?” She isn’t looking at him and instead is looking at Soonyoung.

Jihoon follows her gaze. “I always will be.”

Soonyoung puts down the pen.

////

“ _Where is he?!_ ” Soonyoung demands, screams, yells over the din. He tries to fight free of Seungcheol’s grip, but he’s ten times stronger than him. “I’m not going unless you tell me where he is!”

“I don’t know, Soonyoung!” Seungcheol shouts back. “I don’t know, but we have to––”

Whatever he was about to say, Soonyoung doesn’t hear it. Something comes hurtling between them, maybe a chunk of a destroyed ship, debris from nearby buildings––Soonyoung only knows the pain flaring up his back as he’s thrown across courtyard, landing somewhere near a pile of rubble.

Stars swim across his vision. There’s a voice calling out his name, but it sounds so muffled, so far away. He tries to get up but fails––he has too, he thinks. He still doesn’t know where Jihoon is. Jihoon. Jihoon.

Jihoon.

The voice.

Soonyoung blinks once, twice, until his vision returns. He stares up at a face, and even though he’s smeared with dirt and blood, Soonyoung would recognise him anywhere, anytime.

“Jihoon,” he gasps out, throwing his arms around him. Jihoon hugs him back like he never wants to let go. Around them, the battle rages on.

Soonyoung is the first to pull away, cradling Jihoon’s face in his hands. Red seeps out from a gash by his temple. “You’re bleeding.”

“I’m alright,” Jihoon says. He smiles, and Soonyoung thinks it’s beautiful. _He’s_ beautiful. “Are you? Can you walk?”

Jihoon helps him up to his feet. “I can,” Soonyoung replies.

“You have to get out of here _now_ ,” Jihoon says.

“But what about you?”

“I’ll follow you, okay?” Jihoon takes his hand, squeezes it in reassurance. “I said it once before, didn’t I? I’ll follow you wherever you go. I promise.”

He doesn’t give Soonyoung a time to respond as he starts dragging him through the courtyard, shielding him from debris and stray blaster shots. He’s taking Soonyoung to where he assumes could only be the escape pods within one of the docking bays. Seungcheol joins them a moment later, looking a bit more disheveled but otherwise fine.

“Take him to the pods,” Jihoon instructs him. “Make sure he leaves safely.”

“I will,” Seungcheol says. “Good luck.”

Panic starts rise up Soonyoung’s throat as he realizes the implication behind those words. “Jihoon? Jihoon?!”

Jihoon takes his face in his hands and kisses him.

////

“So, Lee Jihoon, what do _you_ fight for?”

Jihoon takes a deep breath.

“Love,” he answers.

////

“Seungcheol. I need you to promise me one thing.”

Seungcheol looks at him like he knows what he’s about to say, but he just nods in response.

“Promise me you’ll make sure Soonyoung gets out of here,” Jihoon says. He swallows before continuing, “And if it ever comes down to it, promise me you’ll make sure he won’t watch me die.”

////

Jihoon kisses him like there’s a mutual understanding between them, and nothing is more mutual than longing and waiting and loving.

Jihoon kisses him like he’s creating infinity within a few seconds.

Jihoon kisses him like he’s saying goodbye.

When he pulls away, Soonyoung is crying.

“Good luck kiss,” Jihoon states, wiping away the tears welling up in Soonyoung’s eyes.

“Don’t go, don’t go, Jihoon––” Soonyoung sobs, and Jihoon’s giving him this smile that he’s never seen before: it’s sad, it’s relieved, it’s everything Soonyoung doesn’t want to see.

Seungcheol grabs him and forces him inside an escape pod. No matter how hard he fights, he’s never going to be stronger than Seungcheol. His protests falls on deaf ears––the access panel shuts with a resounding hiss and only he could hear his screams.

“No, no, no!” Soonyoung cries, banging against the viewport, “Jihoon! _Jihoon!_ ”

Jihoon’s looking at him like it’s the last time he’ll ever see him, and Soonyoung absolutely hates him for it. He yells, he curses him out, but of course Jihoon couldn’t hear him.

The escape pod rumbles as it starts its to take off. Outside, Soonyoung sees Jihoon speak, his lips curling into the syllables like it's the only thing he knows how to say.

Soonyoung doesn’t need to hear Jihoon’s voice to know what it is.

Three words, barely a breath of air, twenty-two years of tender ache.

It’s the last thing Soonyoung sees before the pod ascends.

////

The pod lands with a crash.

Soonyoung crawls out of it, feels his cheeks still wet with tears. He doesn’t know how much time had passed, couldn’t figure out the pod’s route; he was unable to turn it back around no matter how hard he had tried. The navigation screen starts to blink, emitting a series of beeps, probably damage sustained during the landing. A few feet away, another pod crashes, most likely Seungcheol’s.

Soonyoung stands up, legs weak, and looks around. The pink plains are a familiar sight. Too familiar, and the more he listens to the beeps, the more he understands.

He understands.

.. / .--. .-. --- -- .. ... . -.. --..-- / -.. .. -.. -. .----. - / .. ..--..

**Author's Note:**

> hey lol  
> if u follow me on twt u probably know this already but a few months back i found out that one of my fics (and a few other snhn authors') had been plagiarised. i didn't expect it to affect me so much but it did and for the longest time i just... had no motivation to write... writing has just Not Been The Same after that incident. i was upset and still is esp after they never apologised and never deleted the fic even tho they had been called out by multiple people lol BUT ANYWAYS
> 
> so i guess finishing this fic is just me trying to prove myself that i still have what it takes!!!!! i hope you enjoyed it. i'm quite proud of it and of myself <3 
> 
> this is unbeta'd, as always, so i apologise for any glaring mistakes! comments are always appreciated. i'd love to hear your thoughts, and feel free to yell at me over on [twitter](https://twitter.com/softerstorms) too!!! <333 
> 
> p.s. pls don't laugh at the planet names i tried my best i am not the most creative person. also don't ask me abt the politics of their planets i don't know anything abt it


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